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Treefrog
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 Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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Here's what I have for the Back Cover dialog:
"The Second Galactic Civil War has erupted! With the secession of Corellia, the Corellians have started a revolt against the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Caught between the increasingly authoritarian Galactic Alliance and the rebel-like Confederation, LUKE SKYWALKER and the Jedi Order find themselves even at odds within their own families.
Little does Luke know, but his nephew JACEN SOLO has begun his journey towards the DARK SIDE. Secretly converted by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, and the Imperial Remnant remain in the balance…"
What does everyone think? |
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Forceally
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Treefrog wrote: | | Forceally wrote: | | Treefrog, if you used my work on the Force powers, I hope you did a final check on what you have in the records as compared to the latest release of my work. You don't want to have any errors at this stage of the game. |
I've looked at most of the FP that you had done up, and then the ones that you had edited, and the one FP that you had edited that I preferred over the edited one was the Blood Trail Dathomir Magic Spell. Your original version of it replicated the same effects as what Caedus had done to his sister in Invincible perfectly. Whereas, after you had edited it to take into account The Clone Wars and Rebels episodes, changed it from the effect it had in Invincible, so, I left it in the original version. I hope that that won't be an issue. |
Do you mean the prerequisite and the bit about the Nightsister invoking the spirits for the spell? I added that because of the chapter in the Book of Sith. Then again, that, the Jedi Path, the Clone Wars, and Rebels are canon, while everything post ROTJ that we grew up on is now Legends and therefore non-canon. So when one considers that, while I prefer to be thorough and cover all my bases and sources, I'm not going to raise an issue over this.
Now saying that one can learn Art of the Small (Control and Alter) without knowing Art of the Small (Control) first - that's a different story.
As for the back cover dialog, I would alter it slightly. "...the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnants, the entire galaxy hangs in the balance." |
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Treefrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Forceally wrote: | | Treefrog wrote: | | Forceally wrote: | | Treefrog, if you used my work on the Force powers, I hope you did a final check on what you have in the records as compared to the latest release of my work. You don't want to have any errors at this stage of the game. |
I've looked at most of the FP that you had done up, and then the ones that you had edited, and the one FP that you had edited that I preferred over the edited one was the Blood Trail Dathomir Magic Spell. Your original version of it replicated the same effects as what Caedus had done to his sister in Invincible perfectly. Whereas, after you had edited it to take into account The Clone Wars and Rebels episodes, changed it from the effect it had in Invincible, so, I left it in the original version. I hope that that won't be an issue. |
Do you mean the prerequisite and the bit about the Nightsister invoking the spirits for the spell? I added that because of the chapter in the Book of Sith. Then again, that, the Jedi Path, the Clone Wars, and Rebels are canon, while everything post ROTJ that we grew up on is now Legends and therefore non-canon. So when one considers that, while I prefer to be thorough and cover all my bases and sources, I'm not going to raise an issue over this.
Now saying that one can learn Art of the Small (Control and Alter) without knowing Art of the Small (Control) first - that's a different story.
As for the back cover dialog, I would alter it slightly. "...the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnants, the entire galaxy hangs in the balance." |
I agree with your assertion about the Art of the Small (control) prerequisite for Art of the Small (control and alter).
As for your tweeking of the back dialog: I like the change you suggested, and have done so in my version.
Additionally, I finished the front cover yesterday, and I am working on the back cover now. |
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Treefrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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New version of the back dialog:
The Second Galactic Civil War has erupted! With the secession of Corellia, the Corellians have started a revolt against the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Caught between the increasingly authoritarian Galactic Alliance and the rebel-like Confederation, the LUKE SKYWALKER and the Jedi Order find themselves at odds even with their own families.
Becoming increasingly brutal with the Confederation, Colonel Jacen Solo is elevated to the office of Co-Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance. He hopes that in his new position, he can end the destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Little does Luke know, but his nephew JACEN SOLO has begun his journey towards the DARK SIDE. Secretly converted by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant, the entire galaxy remains in the balance… |
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Sutehp
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Forceally wrote: | | As for the back cover dialog, I would alter it slightly. "...the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnants, the entire galaxy hangs in the balance." |
EDIT: Why list all the things that hang in the balance and then say the term "entire galaxy" which includes all the other things listed when you could just say "the entire galaxy hangs in the balance" and get the same point across without having to list all the previous things? It's a bit redundant. Why not just say "...the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant...indeed, the entire galaxy hangs in the balance."? That makes more sense.
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Last edited by Sutehp on Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Treefrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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Sutehp, does this make better sense:
The Second Galactic Civil War has erupted! With the secession of Corellia, the Corellians have started a revolt against the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Caught between the increasingly authoritarian Galactic Alliance and the rebel-like Confederation, the LUKE SKYWALKER and the Jedi Order find themselves at odds even with their own families.
Becoming increasingly brutal with the Confederation, Colonel Jacen Solo is elevated to the office of Co-Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance. He hopes that in his new position, he can end the destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Little does Luke know, but his nephew JACEN SOLO has begun his journey towards the DARK SIDE. Secretly converted by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant… indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance.
Or....
The Second Galactic Civil War has erupted! With the secession of Corellia, the Corellians have started a revolt against the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Caught between the increasingly authoritarian Galactic Alliance and the rebel-like Confederation, the LUKE SKYWALKER and the Jedi Order find themselves at odds even with their own families.
Becoming increasingly brutal with the Confederation, Colonel Jacen Solo is elevated to the office of Co-Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance. He hopes that in his new position, he can end the destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Little does Luke know, but his nephew JACEN SOLO has begun his journey towards the DARK SIDE. Converted as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Caedus, by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant… indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance. |
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Sutehp
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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Treefrog, yeah, that looks better, but there's one more thing, edited from my previous post as we're both posting at the same time:
| Sutehp wrote: | | And why capitalize the second mention of Jacen Solo (i.e. JACEN SOLO) rather than the first? In all the opening scrawls, it's always the first mention of something that gets all caps as it's an introduction. Why mention "Colonel Jacen Solo" normally and then all caps the second mention of Jacen Solo? He's already been introduced in the scrawl by the time of that second mention. |
I figure just all caps the first "Jacen Solo" without the "Colonel" being all caps and just normally type the second "Jacen Solo" and that should be fine.
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Treefrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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I felt that there should be a second paragraph, and at the time of the Jacen Solo caps there wasn't one. I have since corrected that:
The Second Galactic Civil War has erupted! With the secession of Corellia, the Corellians have started a revolt against the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Caught between the increasingly authoritarian Galactic Alliance and the rebel-like Confederation, the LUKE SKYWALKER and the Jedi Order find themselves at odds even with their own families.
Becoming increasingly brutal with the Confederation, Colonel JACEN SOLO is elevated to the office of Co-Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance. He hopes that in his new position, he can end the destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Little does Luke know, but his nephew Jacen Solo has begun his journey towards the DARK SIDE. Converted as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Caedus, by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant… indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance. |
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Sutehp
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Treefrog wrote: | | Converted as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Caedus, by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant… indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance. |
I overlooked the beginning of this sentence while trying to reword the latter part. "Converted as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Caedus, by the DARK LADY LUMIYA" is a really clunky sentence fragment, especially when trying to tie it with the rest of the sentence that references Jacen Solo as Jacen Solo right after it referenced him as the "new Dark Lord of the Sith" and as "Darth Caedus". It's not quite a run-on sentence, but it's really more verbose than it needs to be (IMHO).
I'm not sure how to fix this without rewriting it as two separate sentences. If that has to be done, Treefrog, I'd rather you do it yourself and I'll offer my thoughts on that, rather then me telling you what to write. I think I'd be overstepping my bounds in the latter case.
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Treefrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Sutehp wrote: | | Treefrog wrote: | | Converted as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Caedus, by the DARK LADY LUMIYA, Jacen has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant… indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance. |
I overlooked the beginning of this sentence while trying to reword the latter part. "Converted as the new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Caedus, by the DARK LADY LUMIYA" is a really clunky sentence fragment, especially when trying to tie it with the rest of the sentence that references Jacen Solo as Jacen Solo right after it referenced him as the "new Dark Lord of the Sith" and as "Darth Caedus". It's not quite a run-on sentence, but it's really more verbose than it needs to be (IMHO).
I'm not sure how to fix this without rewriting it as two separate sentences. If that has to be done, Treefrog, I'd rather you do it yourself and I'll offer my thoughts on that, rather then me telling you what to write. I think I'd be overstepping my bounds in the latter case. |
I see what you mean. How about this:
The Second Galactic Civil War has erupted! With the secession of Corellia, the Corellians have started a revolt against the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. Caught between the increasingly authoritarian Galactic Alliance and the rebel-like Confederation, LUKE SKYWALKER and the Jedi Order find themselves at odds even with their own families.
Becoming increasingly brutal with the Confederation, Colonel JACEN SOLO is elevated to the office of Co-Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance. He hopes that in his new position, he can end the destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Little does Luke know, but his nephew Jacen Solo has secretly been seduced by the DARK LADY LUMIYA to be the new Dark Lord of the Sith. DARTH CAEDUS has accumulated so much power that the fate of the Galactic Alliance, the Jedi, the Confederation, the Mandalorians, the Imperial Remnant… indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance. |
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Treefrog
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Sutehp
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| Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 4:24 am Post subject: |
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Damn, I put my preliminary comments in the FAN MADE SOURCEBOOKS thread. 
That was the proper place, right? Both threads asked for comments and I simply read that one first.
EDIT: Screw it, I'm gonna copy and delete my reply there and post it here. Better to have everything all in one place.
EDIT 2/MOVED POST:
Ok, this has both D20 and D6 stats. That has its uses, though I was expecting a pure D6 book (chalk that up to force of habit 8) ).
No stats or even a mention for the R8 astromech droid? That seems to strike me as a significant oversight. Pictures of the R8 exist (though I think the R8 is even uglier than the R5 since it has a friggin' antennae for its visual sensor). If you managed to come up with stats for the R9, why not the R8? Was the R8 completely absent from the Legacy of the Force story? Is that the justification for its absence here?
SD-XX: I thought this was a new type of droid, rather than an individual example of a YVH droid. Can you make some sort of header indicating that this is an individual droid character rather than a droid type?
Also, for the Megador's stats, it's referred to as both a Super-class Star Destroyer and an Executor-class Super Star Destroyer. The two are not the same thing. An Executor is 19,000 meters long, but the Super-class is an 8,000 meter variant of the Executor-class. This is something that caused alot of confusion until 2004 or so, when Word of God finally put the controversy of whether the Executor was "5 times longer than an Imperial Star Destroyer" to rest. (The Executor's canon length is 19,000 meters, a Super-class only 8,000.) If you look at pictures of the Super-class from the Imperial Sourcebook, you'll see that the Super-class only has one bank of engines when we can clearly see in TESB that the Executor has three banks of engines. You'll need to rewrite the Super-class references to Executor-class. It should help that the Executor is more often than not referred to as a "Star Dreadnought" rather than a "Super Star Destroyer," though both references are accurate (though I prefer the former). Just remember that while a Super-class Star Destroyer is a Super Star Destroyer, not all Super Star Destroyers are Super-class Star Destroyers. See this thread for more details. Also, (though I need to confirm the exact length) anything longer than 2,000 meters can justifiably be referred to as a Star Dreadnought (see the link for further details).
The Admiral Ackbar is a modified Victory-II? Are those even still in production by the time of Legacy of the Force? Even if they're not being produced anymore, I would have thought the Victory Star Destroyers would have been mothballed and replaced by more modern ships by this time. Then again, it's been years since I read the Legacy of the Force books (and I never finished the Fate of the Jedi books) so I might be forgetting details like this.
There's no Galactic Lore knowledge check in the D6 stats section of Zonama Sekot (and several other planets), while the D20 section has it. Or am I misreading this? Are those knowledge checks D20 or D6? Having those knowledge checks put outside the "D6 Stats" section of each individual planet makes this confusing.
I know that pictures for some things in Legacy of the Force were never made (characters, spaceships and several planets; and the pictures were only fanmade if even that), but the lack of pictures for canon planets like Corellia, Fondor and Hapes is quite jarring. I suppose there's no way to fix this without having to redo the layout from scratch?
| Quote: | | Ziost: Major Imports: Evil |
Really? This is a bit on the nose, isn't it? "Evil" is not an "import." (It's not an export, either.  )
Page 130: the word "harness" is archaic (though still technically proper) when referring to armor. A more modern word would probably be better (or at least it's what I'd prefer). In any case, this word needs to be plural, not singular because it's referencing harnesses/armor from multiple people (i.e. "multiple relatives"), not a single piece.
"Chapter 5: The Sith Returns" Um, we have more than a single Sith returning, so use the plural form of the verb "return" (i.e. The Sith Return). Also, remember that the word Sith, like Jedi, can be both singular and plural, so no "The Siths Return," please.
Page 7: Introduction: "In the intervening years between the end of the Yuuzhan Vong War, and the start of the Legacy of the Force era" The word "intervening" means "between" already so you are effectively writing the sentence "In the between years between the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war..." It's like the Department Of Redundancy Department: it's needlessly repetitive. Just delete the word "intervening" and you'll get the same point across. Basically, the word "intervening" is used to refer to a gap in time that was already referenced in a previous sentence. Here's an example:
| Quote: | | I lived in California until 1990. I went to live in DC in 2000. In the intervening years, I lived in Arizona. |
Page 7: "coupled with the Fizz, a disease that attacked the Killiks who had settled the Utegetu Nebula." This is a sentence fragment without a verb clause, not a complete sentence. Semicolons connect two related but distinct sentences, not a sentence and a sentence fragment.
Page 7: Timeline: there's no reference to the beginning of Betrayal like there is for the other books.
Page 8: Timeline: "Day 150: Jacen puts Ben in the Embrace of Pain to try to turn him to the dark side. Luke arrives to rescue his son and Ben lashes out at Jacen after Luke disarms Jacen and stabs him just under his heart. Luke pulls him away to keep him from turning to the dark side." Wait, did Luke stab Jacen just under his heart or was that Ben who stabbed Jacen? The wording here is unclear. Also, who is the "him" in "Luke pulls him away to keep him from turning to the dark side." If it's Ben (and I think it is), then change the first "him" to "Ben".
Page 11: The Vengeful Spirit sidebar: | Quote: | – Levistus
This spirit is all that remains of a long-deceased Sith. Even in death, they are stronger and much more aggressive than your typical follower. |
Typically, the author/speaker of a quote is referenced after the thing he said, not before. So it should look like this: | Quote: | This spirit is all that remains of a long-deceased Sith. Even in death, they are stronger and much more aggressive than your typical follower.
– Levistus |
Also, can I have a citation for this quote? I'm curious who this Levistus person is because there's no mention of him in Wookieepedia. Or is this a completely made up quote? And if it is completely made up, why have it?
Page 36: "This great alliance was critical for the success of the Galactic Alliance..." Using the word "alliance" twice in this quick succession here is clunky. Replace the first "alliance" with a different synonym. Furthermore, referencing a "great alliance" is a subjective reading that doesn't belong in an objective narrative. IOW, a "great alliance" is something a character in the story would say, not something that an objective, non-character-speaking narrative (like a text crawl) would say.
On the back cover of the fanbook, the images of several lightsabers depicted in the pictures of the Legacy of the Force covers are obscured/removed, namely Tempest, Exile, Inferno, and Fury. Can this be fixed?
Also on the back cover, the text scrawl is slightly off-center, i.e. it looks slightly tilted to the right rather than evenly horizontal.
Again on the back cover, (and this is probably a bit late, Treefrog, my apologies) in the sentence "Little does Luke know, but his nephew Jacen Solo..." delete the word "but" as it doesn't belong after a phrase like "Little does X know".
Once more on the back cover (and again, a bit late on my part so my apologies again, Treefrog): for the phrase "indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance", change "remains" to "hangs". Things "hang in the balance", they don't "remain in the balance". This phrase is a reference to weighing scales (as well as a metaphor for impending danger), and scales are things that hang, they don't remain.
More comments after I get some sleep. (D@mn this insomnia....) From what I've seen, this is a very good first draft. Hope my comments help.
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Just repurchased the X-Wing and Tie Fighter flight sim games. I forgot how much I missed them. |
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Forceally
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| Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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I agree that this is good as a draft. Could use a bit of polishing in terms of appearance. For example, on page 113, you list Aurra Sing, but her picture and stats are on 114. Add in a few lines so the title appears on 114.
I kept a reference file for where all stats for ships, planets, etc could be located. It was useful in letting Cheshire and the others know what already had D6 stats from West End Games and what had previously been converted to D6 from an earlier work. Some of the planets have already had D6 stats, while others have d20 stats that could be converted to D6. If dhawk took the D6 stats from these sources, then OK. Otherwise, I think your going to need to change them. Here are the sources that have D6 stats.
Cracken's Threat Dossier: Centerpoint Station, Corelli's, Hapes, Talus, Tralus
Platt's Starport Guide: Kuat
Tales of the Jedi Companion had stats for Issues, but it's for that time period. Definitely needs to be updated.
Now for the d20 stats
Wizards of the Coast website: Adumar, Korriban. This site may no longer be active.
Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide: Taris
Legacy Era Campaign Guide: Zonama Sekot
The late two may need to be adjusted to fit current time period.
Ziost has D6 stats, but it's in the GG14 book. Your choice on whether or not to use that. |
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Sutehp
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| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2017 1:54 am Post subject: |
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I remember seeing Korriban mentioned in the FFG book Force and Destiny corebook. If no other sources are available, there's always that as a backup. It's Legends continuity but better than nothing.
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Just repurchased the X-Wing and Tie Fighter flight sim games. I forgot how much I missed them. |
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Treefrog
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| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:01 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for your preliminary comments. They are useful.
| Sutehp wrote: | d*mn, I put my preliminary comments in the FAN MADE SOURCEBOOKS thread.
That was the proper place, right? Both threads asked for comments and I simply read that one first.
EDIT: Screw it, I'm gonna copy and delete my reply there and post it here. Better to have everything all in one place.
EDIT 2/MOVED POST:
Ok, this has both D20 and D6 stats. That has its uses, though I was expecting a pure D6 book (chalk that up to force of habit 8) ). |
| Sutehp wrote: | | No stats or even a mention for the R8 astromech droid? That seems to strike me as a significant oversight. Pictures of the R8 exist (though I think the R8 is even uglier than the R5 since it has a friggin' antennae for its visual sensor). If you managed to come up with stats for the R9, why not the R8? Was the R8 completely absent from the Legacy of the Force story? Is that the justification for its absence here? |
I also thought that seemed to be an oversight. However, nowhere in the LotF did I find any mention of the R8-series. I'm not using that as an excuse, per se, but take that as you will.
| Sutehp wrote: | | SD-XX: I thought this was a new type of droid, rather than an individual example of a YVH droid. Can you make some sort of header indicating that this is an individual droid character rather than a droid type? |
I didn't know that there is a way to do this, so I left it as is.
| Sutehp wrote: | | Also, for the Megador's stats, it's referred to as both a Super-class Star Destroyer and an Executor-class Super Star Destroyer. The two are not the same thing. An Executor is 19,000 meters long, but the Super-class is an 8,000 meter variant of the Executor-class. This is something that caused alot of confusion until 2004 or so, when Word of God finally put the controversy of whether the Executor was "5 times longer than an Imperial Star Destroyer" to rest. (The Executor's canon length is 19,000 meters, a Super-class only 8,000.) If you look at pictures of the Super-class from the Imperial Sourcebook, you'll see that the Super-class only has one bank of engines when we can clearly see in TESB that the Executor has three banks of engines. You'll need to rewrite the Super-class references to Executor-class. It should help that the Executor is more often than not referred to as a "Star Dreadnought" rather than a "Super Star Destroyer," though both references are accurate (though I prefer the former). Just remember that while a Super-class Star Destroyer is a Super Star Destroyer, not all Super Star Destroyers are Super-class Star Destroyers. See this thread for more details. Also, (though I need to confirm the exact length) anything longer than 2,000 meters can justifiably be referred to as a Star Dreadnought (see the link for further details). |
I was always under the assumption that the Executor-class and Super-class were one and the same. I've been under the impression that the Super-class moniker was a nickname.
| Sutehp wrote: | | The Admiral Ackbar is a modified Victory-II? Are those even still in production by the time of Legacy of the Force? Even if they're not being produced anymore, I would have thought the Victory Star Destroyers would have been mothballed and replaced by more modern ships by this time. Then again, it's been years since I read the Legacy of the Force books (and I never finished the Fate of the Jedi books) so I might be forgetting details like this. |
According to the Wook, the Victory II-class was still being produced into the New Republic Era. I would think its reasonable to assume that the NR weren't above using prior technology and ships to help beef up their Navy. Also, it wouldn't take much to rename such a ship.
| Sutehp wrote: | There's no Galactic Lore knowledge check in the D6 stats section of Zonama Sekot (and several other planets), while the D20 section has it. Or am I misreading this? Are those knowledge checks D20 or D6? Having those knowledge checks put outside the "D6 Stats" section of each individual planet makes this confusing.
I know that pictures for some things in Legacy of the Force were never made (characters, spaceships and several planets; and the pictures were only fanmade if even that), but the lack of pictures for canon planets like Corellia, Fondor and Hapes is quite jarring. I suppose there's no way to fix this without having to redo the layout from scratch? |
In a perfect world, I would have included as much pictures as possible; however, after nearly 10 years of having many stops and starts during that time, I hope that you'll forgive my anxiousness in getting this sourcebook out.
| Sutehp wrote: | | Ziost: Major Imports: Evil |
Really? This is a bit on the nose, isn't it? "Evil" is not an "import." (It's not an export, either. )[/quote]
I thought that it was kinda humorous to be honest.
| Sutehp wrote: | Page 130: the word "harness" is archaic (though still technically proper) when referring to armor. A more modern word would probably be better (or at least it's what I'd prefer). In any case, this word needs to be plural, not singular because it's referencing harnesses/armor from multiple people (i.e. "multiple relatives"), not a single piece.
"Chapter 5: The Sith Returns" Um, we have more than a single Sith returning, so use the plural form of the verb "return" (i.e. The Sith Return). Also, remember that the word Sith, like Jedi, can be both singular and plural, so no "The Siths Return," please.
Page 7: Introduction: "In the intervening years between the end of the Yuuzhan Vong War, and the start of the Legacy of the Force era" The word "intervening" means "between" already so you are effectively writing the sentence "In the between years between the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war..." It's like the Department Of Redundancy Department: it's needlessly repetitive. Just delete the word "intervening" and you'll get the same point across. Basically, the word "intervening" is used to refer to a gap in time that was already referenced in a previous sentence. Here's an example:
| Quote: | | I lived in California until 1990. I went to live in DC in 2000. In the intervening years, I lived in Arizona. |
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I've no excuse for that one.
| Sutehp wrote: | | Page 7: "coupled with the Fizz, a disease that attacked the Killiks who had settled the Utegetu Nebula." This is a sentence fragment without a verb clause, not a complete sentence. Semicolons connect two related but distinct sentences, not a sentence and a sentence fragment. |
| Sutehp wrote: | Page 7: Timeline: there's no reference to the beginning of Betrayal like there is for the other books.
Page 8: Timeline: "Day 150: Jacen puts Ben in the Embrace of Pain to try to turn him to the dark side. Luke arrives to rescue his son and Ben lashes out at Jacen after Luke disarms Jacen and stabs him just under his heart. Luke pulls him away to keep him from turning to the dark side." Wait, did Luke stab Jacen just under his heart or was that Ben who stabbed Jacen? The wording here is unclear. Also, who is the "him" in "Luke pulls him away to keep him from turning to the dark side." If it's Ben (and I think it is), then change the first "him" to "Ben". |
I copy/pasted the timeline from the Wook. It's my bad for not paying better attention to it.
| Sutehp wrote: | Page 11: The Vengeful Spirit sidebar: | Quote: | – Levistus
This spirit is all that remains of a long-deceased Sith. Even in death, they are stronger and much more aggressive than your typical follower. |
Typically, the author/speaker of a quote is referenced after the thing he said, not before. So it should look like this: | Quote: | This spirit is all that remains of a long-deceased Sith. Even in death, they are stronger and much more aggressive than your typical follower.
– Levistus |
Also, can I have a citation for this quote? I'm curious who this Levistus person is because there's no mention of him in Wookieepedia. Or is this a completely made up quote? And if it is completely made up, why have it? |
Levistus is the username for an individual on the swrpgnetwork.com holonet forums. I should have been listed it as "- Developed by Levistus."
| Sutehp wrote: | | Page 36: "This great alliance was critical for the success of the Galactic Alliance..." Using the word "alliance" twice in this quick succession here is clunky. Replace the first "alliance" with a different synonym. Furthermore, referencing a "great alliance" is a subjective reading that doesn't belong in an objective narrative. IOW, a "great alliance" is something a character in the story would say, not something that an objective, non-character-speaking narrative (like a text crawl) would say. |
I don't see how the sentence is clunky. Taken in the context that the word "alliance" is a descriptive adjective, and "Galactic Alliance" is a pronoun.
| Sutehp wrote: | | On the back cover of the fanbook, the images of several lightsabers depicted in the pictures of the Legacy of the Force covers are obscured/removed, namely Tempest, Exile, Inferno, and Fury. Can this be fixed? |
Those covers are the actual cover images for each of the novels in the LotF series. I got them directly from the Wook.
| Sutehp wrote: | | Also on the back cover, the text scrawl is slightly off-center, i.e. it looks slightly tilted to the right rather than evenly horizontal. |
I also noticed that. I attempted to fix that five times, then gave up. Photoshop wasn't cooperating very well.
| Sutehp wrote: | Again on the back cover, (and this is probably a bit late, Treefrog, my apologies) in the sentence "Little does Luke know, but his nephew Jacen Solo..." delete the word "but" as it doesn't belong after a phrase like "Little does X know".
Once more on the back cover (and again, a bit late on my part so my apologies again, Treefrog): for the phrase "indeed, the entire galaxy remains in the balance", change "remains" to "hangs". Things "hang in the balance", they don't "remain in the balance". This phrase is a reference to weighing scales (as well as a metaphor for impending danger), and scales are things that hang, they don't remain.
More comments after I get some sleep. (D@mn this insomnia....) From what I've seen, this is a very good first draft. Hope my comments help. |
Believe me, I appreciate the constructive criticisms. I don't recall ever explaining why there are both d20 SE and D6 material, so here goes:
Originally, the LotFSB was going to be an exclusively Saga Edition ruleset sourcebook. But I, in my ambitions, envisioned a much grander version where it included (IMO) the two best representations of the SWRPG. To be honest, I'm glad I did it because of WotC's decision to end their licensing of the SE.
As for editing the LotFSB to fix many of its foibles and provide an errata, I'm extremely reluctant to do so, mainly because there are other projects that I may want to attempt, and I fear that doing so would take forever to do so.[/quote][/url] |
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